Ambivalence

By Elizabeth Frerichs

Summary: Ambivalence—noun 1: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action; 2: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite). What if Clark escaped from Luthor’s Kryptonite cage just a few seconds earlier, and it forced both Lois and Clark to face up to how broken the events of “Barbarians at the Planet” and “House of Luthor” left them?

Rating: PG-13

Story Size: 76,590 words

Disclaimer: Obviously, the Lois and Clark TV show characters, etc. do not belong to me.

Part Three

Lois held the small lead box. She shuddered. Despite his rejection, despite her feelings for Clark, she still loved Superman, and seeing the man she loved bleeding and in such pain … well, she didn’t know how she’d been able to remove the bullet with her hands shaking as badly as they had been. In the shock of the moment, that night had been forgotten. And now, he would be coming, and all the spoken and unspoken things between them would be there. She still didn’t know how she felt. He’d hurt her. Why hadn’t he been able to believe her when she’d said that she knew him and loved him for himself, not for what he could do? Was it possible that there was someone else? Or that she’d misread his attentions? And how could Superman be so venomous in his rejection? Was it her? And she’d run to Lex. Even if Superman had feelings for her before, he’d never be able to forgive her for that. From what Clark had said, Lex had been Superman’s enemy, and she had allied herself with him. She put the box down and made a circuit of her living room, half-heartedly straightening the already pristine room for the umpteenth time. This was going to be so awkward.

*tap* *tap* *tap*

Despite the fact that she’d been listening for just such a sound, Lois started. Superman was here. She walked over the window and opened it. “Superman. Come in.”

“Hi, Lois,” he said as he landed in her living room.

“Here’s the bullet. I guess that stuff really can hurt you,” she said, handing him the box, still feeling a little hurt that he’d never told her the truth about Kryptonite.

He took the box. “Apparently so.” He moved a step closer. Time to take his lumps. “Lois, thank you for what you did today. I would have died if you hadn’t intervened.”

Lois looked down. “Anyone would have—”

“Not anyone,” Superman said, with a wry grimace. “I can’t see Ms. Carlin sticking around to help.”

Lois gave a forced chuckle. “Fine. Any decent person. Anyway, you’ve saved my life plenty of times. I’m just glad I had a chance to repay the favor.”

“Lois, you don’t owe me for saving your life. I’m just glad that I’ve been able to get there in time thus far.”

“Me too.”

Silence fell between them. What would be the best way to bring up the topic? Clark had no idea how to proceed. Superman had never just sat down in Lois Lane’s apartment and chatted with her. They had short, usually disaster-related, conversations, and then he left. But maybe, for this, they’d both be more comfortable sitting down. At least it would signal to her that he wanted to talk the thing out.

“Well, I—” he began.

“Yeah, I guess you’d better be going then. You’re probably pretty busy,” Lois said with determined cheerfulness. Maybe she could get him out the window before things got any more awkward.

“Actually, I was going to say that I’d like to talk to you for a bit if you have time. No one needs saving right now, at least that I know of. Perhaps we could … sit down?” he finished.

“Um, well, sure.” She walked over and sat down on one of her love seats.

Superman took a seat on the opposite love seat. Lois couldn’t help but think how out of place he looked. Had she ever seen Superman sit? And those primary colors looked positively garish next to the subdued cream of her love seat.

“Lois, I owe you an apology,” he said, deciding on the straightforward approach.

“Oh?”

“Actually, I owe you a couple of apologies. That night—well, I just want you to know that I have never and would never use my powers to take advantage of your privacy. I should never have made that crack about a lead-lined robe, and I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”

“I didn’t really think you would,” Lois said, blushing. “You just sounded so matter-of-fact about it. Thank you for telling me though.”

Superman took a deep breath. “I also want to apologize for not sharing my suspicions about Luthor with you. I was unsure of the best way to handle the situation, and, in my confusion, I handled it badly. I’m sorry.”

Lois studied the carpet. “It’s not your fault that I let myself get taken in by such a crook. Lots of other people had suspicions as it turned out—Perry, Henderson … Clark.”

Superman hesitated, but then the words tumbled out of their own accord. “Lois, Luthor was very good at what he did. Don’t let one rotten man destroy your confidence. You’ve brought down plenty of other criminals,” he said seriously.

Lois could hardly believe how nice he was being. She chewed her lip. Maybe last time had been out of character for him. But why?

Did it matter? She was just thankful to be back on friendly terms—more than thankful, especially since she was so lonely lately. She missed Clark. She hoped that he had someone to talk to. A thought hit her: maybe that was why Superman had been so angry that night—maybe Clark had told Superman how he’d declared his love to her, and she’d rejected him. Maybe Superman was just angry on his friend’s behalf? But then why would that affect whether he believed her?

“Thanks, Superman. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“No.” He stood. “Thank you again for rescuing me. You’ve been a great friend to me, and I appreciate it.”

She stood too. “Um, Superman … you’re welcome.”

He knew the signs. There was something else she was trying to decide if she wanted to talk to him about. Did he stick around and wait for her to make up her mind? Did he even want to hear whatever she wanted to say? He could just fly off. It might be better for both of them. “Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” To his chagrin, the words left his mouth before he could drag them back.

“I don’t really know. Oh, did Clark tell you that we’ve been investigating Luthor?” She sat back down.

Superman sat down, sighing inwardly. He hated using “Clark told me ….” Oh well. “I was aware of that, yes.”

“I think we’ve pretty much finished our series on him, but I thought I’d see if you knew of any of Lex’s activities that we missed. Is there anything you think we should be looking into?”

“I think Clark is aware of everything I’d be able to suggest.”

“Oh. I see,” she said.

Clark could see the hurt in her eyes. Was it really such a big deal to repeat himself if it made her feel better?

Yes! It is! Why can’t she just accept that I know what I’m talking about? Why does “Superman” have to tell her for something to be true? a part of him demanded.

Maybe she’s just trying to fix things by showing she’s willing to listen to someone about Luthor. Just give her the benefit of the doubt, he coached himself.

I’m tired of giving her the benefit of the doubt! that agonized part of his soul replied.

He could feel the coldness spreading through his veins. He needed to get away from her before he lost control and lashed out again. She had just saved his life. She was Superman’s friend, and nothing in her relationship with Superman would let her realize how much she’d hurt him. That was the real problem. The hurts she’d inflicted had been to Clark and to him, the man who was both Clark and Superman. If he wasn’t Clark, it wouldn’t have ripped his soul to shreds when she’d said that she would love Superman even if he were an ordinary man. So, keep things light. Remember you’ll have to fix whatever damage you cause now if you ever tell her that you’re Superman. Right.

“I’m sure you’re both doing a fine job,” he tried again. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.”

“I already asked if you had suggestions,” Lois said, a slight edge to her voice.

Clark gritted his teeth, then forced himself to reply politely. “Do you have a copy of your notes I can look at? It’ll be faster than me telling you anything you already know.”

“Sure. Just a minute.” Lois took out a pile of papers that Clark was already very, very familiar with and handed them to him.

Clark flipped through them at super-speed. No point in wasting time. “I don’t see anything in particular that you’re missing. I’ll think about it some more and get back to you if something occurs to me.”

“I see. Superman, can I ask you something?” Lois asked as another thing she’d been wondering about came to mind.

What did she want to ask? Clark wasn’t sure if he could hold onto his hurt or his temper for much longer. “On the record or off the record?” he asked in a cool tone.

“Um, I’d really like this just to be a conversation between friends. We are, aren’t we?” Lois asked, her heart pounding.

Clark sighed inwardly. “Yes, Lois. You’ve been a very good friend to me,” he said, mentally substituting “Superman” for “me.” “What did you want to ask?”

“Why didn’t you save Lex? I mean, not that I’m blaming you. I know you can’t be everywhere. But … well, you didn’t announce that you were leaving until after he died—unless of course you left before Clark printed that interview—and it just seems out of character for you, and ever since my double brought it up, I’ve been wondering about it.”

“Lois, I would have saved him if I could have,” Superman said.

“So you couldn’t save him? But why not? Once I started wondering, I looked, and there are no records of you helping out somewhere else. Had you already left for wherever you went?”

Clark sighed. How much should he tell her? He needed to tell her the truth about where he’d been before her wedding someday, but was that day today? She’d kept the information about Kryptonite out of her article on Dr. Carlin. She’d proven herself a good friend to Superman.

But not to Clark.

Regardless, she’d been a good friend to Superman, and Superman was the one in her apartment right now. He’d barely managed to tell his parents about it and had refused to give them details—how could he tell Lois? But if he just said he didn’t want to talk about it, he’d hurt her more, again. Maybe the bare bones would satisfy her?

What was he thinking? This was Lois Lane. She’d ask until she had an answer that she liked. Could he tell her without hurting her? Tell her and hurt her. Not tell her and hurt her.

“Lois, it’s not something that’s easy for me to talk about, and it’s probably not something that would be easy for you to hear. Are you sure you want to know?” Clark asked, then cursed himself as he realized that he’d just guaranteed he’d be talking to Mad Dog Lane.

“You don’t think I can handle it? Well, listen here, Superman, you may be, well, you, but that doesn’t give you the right to—”

“That’s not what I meant,” Clark cut in. “Lois, I know that I’ve hurt you, and I know that Luthor hurt you, and I don’t want to add to that pain. That’s what I meant.”

“Oh. Well.” Lois thought for a moment. Did she want anything new to deal with right now? But if he didn’t tell her, she’d just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I think it’s like a band-aid. Just rip it off. Otherwise, I’ll always be wondering what it is that I don’t know,” she finally said.

“All right.” Clark knew he was going to have to tell her, but he didn’t think he could look her in the eye while he was doing it. He couldn’t bear to see her concern for Superman, even if it did mean that she at least cared about one part of him. He stood and walked over to stare out one of her windows. “Luthor had Kryptonite. He—held me prisoner for a couple of days, and by the time I’d finally escaped, I didn’t have any of my powers. If I could have saved him, I would have.” Just thinking about it brought back the cold sweat of his green-hazed nightmares.

“Oh, Superman,” Lois breathed. She moved to stand next to him. Something about his posture seemed forbidding, and she didn’t think he’d take it well if she touched him, but she just wanted to be close, to comfort him with her presence. She’d never imagined something like this. Clark had been right when he’d told her that Lex was a monster. Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked them back.

Clark’s eyes slid closed. How could concern feel so much like a knife?

“Are you okay now? I mean you seem okay, but, are you?” Lois asked.

“Yes, my powers are back,” Superman said evenly. “Thank you again for taking care of the Kryptonite today and for not putting it in your article.”

“I couldn’t let information like that get out—at least, I guess it must be somewhat out, but not any more out than it already is. The world needs you. The fewer people who know that there’s something out there that can hurt you, the better.”

The world needs Superman. He cut that line of thought off before it had time to grow into full-fledged bitterness. “I agree,” he said quietly, still looking out the window.

“You haven’t told anyone where you went yet—” Her eyes widened. “Did you even go anywhere, or were you just recovering all this time?”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you where I went for the safety of others involved.”

“I would have helped you, Superman. If you ever need help, you can always come to me.”

“I know,” he said shortly. He wasn’t sure what else to say or even if he could make himself say anything constructive. It was common knowledge that Lois would always go out of her way to help Superman. He wished she was half that dedicated to Clark. Plus, that common knowledge put both of them in danger; only today she’d been used to lure him into a trap. Better to play down that connection, and, in fact, maybe he needed to talk to her about distancing themselves.

Lois continued to watch Superman. From where she stood, his face was in shadow. Something was definitely—off. He wasn’t the same man she’d known months ago—the man she’d fallen in love with—nor was he the man from that night. The sense of connection was as strong as ever, but something had happened between them. She knew her declaration of love was part of the problem, though neither of them had spoken of it. She still wanted to know why he’d been so angry that night, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to bring it up. She just wanted to get back to no more awkwardness between them; dropping both that night and where he’d been in his absence would be more likely to accomplish it.

“Lois, I was just thinking,” Superman said, a touch of hesitancy in his manner. “Today you were kidnapped, in part to get to me. Maybe it’s time we distanced ourselves a bit more, at least publicly.”

Lois frowned. “Distance ourselves more? What do you mean by that?” She had no idea what they’d have left if he distanced himself from her publicly—they hardly ever saw each other privately. Rescues, she guessed.

Superman turned to look at her. “Honestly, I’m not sure what it would entail. I just know that I care about you, and I don’t want to put you in the position of having criminals come after you to get at me.”

“Superman, criminals already come after me. Often.”

“I realize that your stories frequently have that result. However, I also know that the perception is that you and I are close, and therefore, criminals can use you to attack me.”

Lois looked down. She knew he was right, but she refused to admit it. Besides, it wasn’t like she couldn’t take care of herself. She inhaled sharply as a sudden thought hit her. Look at everything with Lex. She couldn’t take care of herself. Had Lex used her to capture Superman? It wouldn’t surprise her. And that would mean that today was the second time Superman had almost died because of her. Just like the rest of her friends, she was ruining his life. She slumped. “Fine. You’re right. What do you want to do?”

Superman started. Lois Lane admitting someone else was right? He’d guessed that a lot of her brash manner of late stemmed from losing some of her confidence in the Luthor fiasco, but this was ridiculous—she was barely even Lois Lane right now. How could he have missed how badly she was doing?

Because he’d been too wrapped up in how badly he was doing.

Right. So did he try to be a friend to her right now? Did he try to get her to talk about it? Did he want to? No. But she was hurting. He closed his eyes and tamped down his own hurt and anger. He opened his eyes. “Lois, are you all right?” he asked, trying to infuse concern into the question and leave out everything else; he still ended up sounding almost wooden.

Lois snorted. She’d almost married the greatest unhung criminal in the US and managed to lose her best friend in the process. Why wouldn’t she be all right? she thought sarcastically. “I’m fine, Superman. Why?”

“You’ve been through a lot recently.” Clark paused, trying to think of what he could say without letting his bitterness out. He didn’t think he could reassure her that she was the best investigative reporter in Metropolis right now. Maybe there wasn’t anything he could say. He shook his head. “I don’t know the best way to proceed as far as taking the attention off you—other than giving you fewer exclusives. Unfortunately, you’ll always be known as the reporter who got the first exclusive and who kissed Superman before Nightfall. And, of course, I do rescue you quite often—but that has nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with the nature of your job. Do you have any ideas?”

“Not really …. Can I think about it and get back to you?”

“Sure. You know how to reach me.”

“Yell ‘Help, Superman’?” she said sardonically, thinking she’d be more likely to do that these days than ask Clark to get him a message.

“That works,” Superman said. He still couldn’t decide how to find out what exactly Lois thought she saw in Superman, but the thought of asking her point-blank was far from appealing. Maybe Superman should just leave, and Clark could go back to trying to fathom his partner’s thought processes on his own. He wasn’t sure if he could bear to talk about it or hear about it in either guise. He shook himself slightly, shutting down those lines of thought. Thinking about any of that in Lois’s presence was a sure way to end up lashing out at her. “Thanks again. I should probably go finish my patrol.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you around.” Lois held her curtains open, trying to portray the friendly, collected hostess.

“I’m sure you will,” Clark agreed, positive his partner would find herself in some life-and-death situation before long. He gave a little wave, then took off out the window.

***

Lois closed her window and sank to the couch. Distance herself from Superman? Did everyone in her life hate her for being taken in by Lex? She’d never thought she had the perfect life before, but now she longed for the days before—back when Clark had been her best friend, before the Planet had been bombed, back when she’d been in love with Superman and he’d seemed attracted to her, back when the thrill of the investigation was what she lived for, when she’d had the respect of her colleagues in the news business and she’d been the top investigative reporter in Metropolis. Some days she felt like Lex had managed to destroy her life completely.

No, not Lex. She’d done that all on her own. How had she been taken in by him? She found herself asking that question over and over, but never coming any closer to an answer. Asking the question hadn’t done anything, and, after encountering Dr. Carlin, she didn’t think she could stomach talking to Dr. Friskin right now. What could she do? She’d used her skills as an investigative reporter to ferret out Lex’s secrets after the fact. Maybe she could use those same skills to come to some sort of understanding of her own secrets—the ones she kept even from herself. She stared thoughtfully at the window. Superman seemed to believe in her investigative abilities. What if she thought of this as just one more investigation? She could pretend that she was figuring out someone else’s life. She fingered the hem of her shirt. How would she begin that sort of investigation? Like any other. Collect the pieces, and then start putting them together. Resolutely, she grabbed her satchel and found a pad of paper. It couldn’t hurt, and it might help. At this point, she was willing to try almost anything.

***

Three hours later, her coffee table was littered with lists. She’d decided to work from a big picture perspective, so she’d started with a list of all the romantic relationships in her history—Paul, Claude, Lex, Superman, and, upon reflection, she’d added Clark. She’d also decided to include her father since he’d set the tone for her relationships with men. She’d made a list of all the things that had attracted her to them and all the ways they’d failed her.

Paul, Claude, and Lex had all been womanizers, just like her father. In the midst of each relationship, she’d thought the man would be faithful to her once he’d professed his love, but none of them had. Paul had moved on to Linda before Lois had even really begun a relationship with him, and she’d later heard that he’d slept with a succession of other girls even while Lois had been trying to get his attention. Claude also had a reputation as a ladies’ man, and she’d seen firsthand the number of women he went through during his stint at the Planet. She’d discovered that Lex had been sleeping with Mrs. Cox during their engagement period and had evidently had relationships with Dr. Baines and Miranda. Who knew how many other women he’d been with just in the period she’d known him? And as far as Superman went, she’d never seen or heard that he was involved with anyone.

Clark had women chasing him left and right. However, other than the kiss with Toni Taylor, Lois had never seen him reciprocate. There had been that incident with Cat right after he’d begun working at the Planet, but Clark had steadfastly denied that anything had happened. At the time, she’d been skeptical, but now, with the benefit of a year’s association, she didn’t think Clark would lie about something like that. Although he had lied about Superman’s globe. Well, technically, he’d just not told her about it. He hadn’t flat out lied. So maybe she could believe him about Cat. And despite trying to dig up dirt on him while they’d been in Smallville, only two girls had surfaced—Rachel Harris, whom he’d taken to the prom as a last minute replacement date, and Lana, the girl who’d broken up with him just before prom. Clark was a nice guy. She wasn’t sure why he was still single.

She shook her head, forcing her mind back to the other men on her list. Her father had never used her. In fact, he’d never had a use for her since the day she’d been born a girl, rather than the son he’d always wanted. She’d spent the first fifteen years of her life trying to gain his approval, but then realized it was a complete waste of time. If she never again heard him tell her what she was doing wrong, it’d be too soon. Paul hadn’t used her either, despite the fact that he was the type. Linda had gotten there before he’d had a chance to try anything with Lois—for the first time she felt a fleeting moment of gratitude for Linda. Not that she’d ever be grateful that Linda had been such a backstabber, but things could have been much worse. Claude had used her and stolen her story—the less she had to think about that the better. Lex hadn’t used her, nor had he been verbally critical like her father; he’d actually seemed very supportive—telling her that she was attractive, talented, etc., etc. She still hadn’t figured out why he’d wanted her. Had Miranda sprayed him with the one hundred percent pheromone? It didn’t seem likely since he’d never reverted to the soppy, poetry-spouting, worshipful attitude he’d had right after the incident, but he’d definitely stepped up his pursuit of her after that point.

Superman had never used her. Lex had tried to kill him on her wedding day. Had that been the source of her value? After all, Lex had seen Superman declare his love for her under the influence of the pheromone. She grimaced. It would be a blow to her ego if she’d just been yet another battle in Lex’s war on Superman. Lex couldn’t have known that he’d only won her hand after Superman had rejected her. Superman had never used her and neither had Clark, but that was a result of their character qualities—their strong respect for people.

She’d also made some lists of the character qualities she’d noticed Lucy preferred in her relationships, figuring there must be some commonalities, and it was easier to see Lucy’s hang-ups. The guys she picked were all losers—often jobless, always lazy, always looking for a quick buck, often with a rap sheet, always physically attractive, but with little substance; Ken dolls the lot of them. None of the men Lois had dated were lazy in any way. Paul worked hard at the paper. Claude—well, actually, come to think of it, Claude was pretty lazy. Why else would he have stolen her story? Lex had worked hard to run his criminal empire. Clark worked hard at the Planet, despite his frequent disappearances. Superman worked hard all the time, pouring himself into helping everyone he could. All the men on her list were physically attractive, and sadly, Clark and Superman were the only ones with any real substance. The others had been simply out to get whatever they could for themselves. She’d thought Lex had substance, but that had only been because he’d fooled her into believing his own press. And unfortunately, she’d thought the same thing about Paul and Claude until she’d gotten to know them. It was like she turned off her investigative radar whenever she decided to let someone into her life.

She glanced back down at her lists, noting that there was one common denominator between everyone but Clark: power. Paul had been the editor at the college newspaper where she’d worked as a reporter. Claude had been the Planet’s “star reporter” (she had no idea how he could have gotten such a title given his mediocre writing) and she had been a lowly researcher at the time. Lex had been the third richest man in the world and definitely the most powerful man in Metropolis, at least until Superman had come onto the scene. She’d thought both Lex and Superman had used their considerable power and influence for good, which had definitely attracted her—especially after seeing Paul and Claude use their power for their own self-interest.

Both Lex and Superman could have had any woman in the world they wanted. In hindsight, it was ludicrous to think that they would choose a reporter, even if she had been the best investigative reporter in Metropolis by a wide margin. Thinking about that fact, she felt a tingle go down her spine—the kind of tingle that meant she was on to something. But what? Her breath chuffed out in frustration. Maybe if she came at it from a different angle.

Why had she rejected Clark? He was the oddball on this list, just a generally nice guy who was gorgeous, had a good sense of humor, comforted her whenever he was nearby—or had comforted her before their friendship had fallen apart—and maintained his small town values even in a city as big as Metropolis.

She’d told him from the get-go not to fall for her. Why? She tried to remember what she’d been thinking back then. She’d seen the admiration in his eyes, and her response had been automatic. She didn’t have time for a relationship. Yet she’d gone on to fall for Superman and to date Lex—not even all that long after she’d warned Clark off. Why? Part of it had definitely been his similarities with Claude. Oh, not similarities of character, but simply the fact that he was an attractive co-worker. She couldn’t afford to get involved with anyone at work again, especially not a reporter who could be competition, and once she’d gotten to know him and begun to enjoy having him as her partner, she couldn’t afford to lose that. If she’d been so daft as to begin a romantic relationship with him, she’d have lost her partner when it all blew up.

But that still didn’t explain why she’d turned him down after the Planet had been destroyed. Habit, maybe? She winced, remembering how she’d asked him to contact Superman for her right after turning him down. And she’d turned to Lex instead of back to Clark when Superman had rejected her. And Clark had known what kind of person Lex had been. No wonder he was barely talking to her these days. Pain lanced through her chest as she realized that she’d been too afraid of losing Clark’s friendship forever to take a risk on a romantic relationship with him, and she’d lost it anyway. At her wedding she’d been able to admit that deep down she’d wanted a life with Clark, and now they barely spoke.

What she needed was a strategy. She was willing to let go of having a romantic relationship with him in favor of just regaining his friendship. But Clark seemed to have shut the door on any sort of relationship with her, other than a professional one.

She slumped against the couch. Who was she kidding? She had no idea how to even formulate that kind of strategy. She’d never pursued anyone’s friendship. And the only times she’d pursued a guy romantically had ended up in disaster.

A thought whispered through her brain: Clark had done it. Coaxed his way in, pursued her until he’d gained her friendship. How had he done it? What exactly had he done? A thousand little things that all added up to her trusting him: coffee fixed perfectly every morning, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, those comforting hugs, that dazzling smile of his, his good-natured teasing, his ability to stand up to her without belittling her, their ease of working together and how their styles complemented each other, all those stories they’d worked on together and not once had Clark tried to further his career at the expense of hers, the way he seemed to enjoy her, to accept her for who she was, the way he’d been a perfect gentleman when she’d been high on pheromones and desperately chasing him. She still didn’t understand that last one, especially in light of his confession of love. How had he managed to resist? Her brow furrowed. He’d said he wasn’t attracted to her, but that was patently false. Oh well. At least Clark had never told anyone about that embarrassing period. In fact, Clark had never given away anything she’d said in confidence to him. He was just an all around good friend. Even just yesterday he’d taken her out for chocolate ice cream when she’d been upset over Lex’s ex-wife. Clark knew her. So where did that leave her?

She didn’t know how he took his newsroom coffee—other than that he put some ungodly amount of cream and sugar in it. He’d never really shared confidences with her. She hadn’t ever asked or made herself available to listen. She’d noticed that occasionally he’d seemed down, but Clark never stayed upset for long, so she’d never asked what was wrong. And when he’d been devastated over his apartment robbery, she’d used his pain as a springboard for her story. What kind of friend was she? Why would Clark trust her in the first place?

She thought back, trying to figure out how she’d become the kind of person who was incapable of being a good friend. Asking people about their problems led to lengthy conversations she didn’t have time to listen to—at least not if she wanted to stay the best investigative reporter in Metropolis. Moreover, she was uncomfortable with people’s problems. Heck, she was uncomfortable with her own problems. It was much easier to pretend that work was all that mattered. But Clark had shown her that there was more to life than work. Clark liked to mix play and work, like when they’d spent their whole stake-out at the Lexor playing board games. If Clark hadn’t been there, she would have just sat around, watching the offices across the way and sorting through research or catching up on other work.

She hadn’t accepted Clark for who he was—she’d turned him down in the park, and even before then, she’d compared him unfavorably to Superman quite a bit.

She’d apologized for not trusting his instincts about Lex, but she hadn’t changed her behavior. Even the past couple of days, she’d simply demanded that he trust her instincts and never asked him about his. She’d rubbed it in his face when she’d been right about Dr. Carlin, but Clark had never once said “I told you so” about Lex. Instead, he’d said, “I’m sorry that Luthor wasn’t one of the good guys.” That was Clark all over. Wishing that she hadn’t had to go through the pain of nearly marrying a gangster.

Lois stood up and began to pace. She didn’t like the secrets she was keeping from herself. Finding out that she hadn’t been a good friend, had simply taken Clark’s friendship … it wasn’t pretty. But if she was going to win his friendship back, she’d have to do something different.

So! Coffee: She might not know how Clark took his newsroom coffee, but she did know where to buy his “regular.” Confidences: She could start paying attention and actually asking him what was wrong if he seemed down. Attitude: She really needed to work on not belittling Clark, on showing that she did appreciate him. She’d been so afraid of him using her to further his own career that she hadn’t ever really told him how much he meant to her—except during Nightfall when he’d had amnesia and again on the day when she’d rejected his love, and that meant he probably hadn’t really heard that he was her best friend. Besides, she, more than most, knew how painful it was to be told or shown only on rare occasions that you were “important.” How many times had she wished her parents would forego Christmas gifts and simply tell her throughout the year that they cared about her?

She stared at the pile of lists on the table. There was more to find, and she knew it—but she wasn’t sure she could handle learning another of her own secrets today. She stacked the lists and put them in her bedside table. Deal with this secret first, and then she could work on figuring out the next.

***

The next morning Lois left for work a little early. She stopped by her and Clark’s favorite coffee stand and asked Ben, the owner, for “Clark’s regular” too.

Ben leaned forward eagerly. “Does this mean you two are finally dating?”

“I beg your pardon!”

Ben backed up, his hands coming up in a placating motion. “Ms. Lane, I’ve been selling you coffee since before Mr. Kent started working at the Planet. You’ve never bought coffee for someone else.”

Lois fumbled with her wallet, trying to hide how flustered she felt. She forced herself to shrug nonchalantly. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, we are not dating. It’s just my turn to pick up coffee today.”

***

Was she really that selfish? She tried to think of the last time she’d done anything for anyone. Clark was always going out of his way to do little things for people—refilling the break area napkins when they were almost empty, starting a new pot of coffee when he finished off the old one, holding doors for people, asking various of their coworkers about their kids, making sure that he looked at Jimmy’s latest photos and encouraged him, snagging her favorite kind of doughnut before they were gone, and on and on. He was always ready with a smile and a kind word—or at least he used to be. Lately, he’d been more withdrawn, but he still did small things for others all the time, even if he didn’t go out of his way to chat with anyone. She’d just chalked it up to his small-town values, but maybe there was more to it than that.

She walked into the bullpen, still thinking about it. She’d gotten here before Clark, so she set his coffee down on his desk and proceeded to boot up her computer. Just then, Clark walked out of the elevator. She surreptitiously watched him as he headed towards his desk. He still had a friendly “Good morning” for the people he passed. She usually just ignored everyone until after she was settled at her desk, and then she only talked to the people she needed something from—i.e., Clark, Perry, and Jimmy. He stopped in front of his desk and stared at the coffee as though someone had put a foreign object there, then sat down.

“Good morning, Clark,” Lois said, walking over to his desk.

“Morning, Lois? I’m glad you made it out all right yesterday,” Clark said, staring at her.

Lois waved nonchalantly. “It was fine. Superman came to my rescue like always.”

“Uh-huh.” Clark gestured to the coffee. “Thanks. What do I owe ya?”

“Nothing. I just figured it was my turn to bring coffee today—well, realistically, it’s long past my turn, but I figured I’d start making up for it today by bringing some in.” She forced herself to breathe, then added, “I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure. Thanks. I’ll get coffee tomorrow.”

“You get coffee all the time. It’s not necessary.”

“O—kay.”

“I mean, I appreciate that you bring me coffee. I just wanted to return the favor. I’m not trying to tell you to stop bringing me coffee.” She pasted a smile on her face. “Anyway! What do we have going on today?”

“I haven’t checked my e-mail or the wires yet, but I’m guessing you want to dig a little deeper into Mrs. Luthor’s dealings.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” she said enthusiastically.

Clark’s eyes narrowed. “Are you feeling all right today?”

She nodded. “Yep. How about you? Have an okay night last night?”

Clark leaned back in his chair and studied her. “Okay. Give. What do you want?”

“What do I want?”

“Yeah, you obviously want something.” He sighed. “Lois, you don’t have to buy me coffee and ask me how my night was. Just ask for whatever it is that you want.”

Lois raised her eyebrows. “I was serious about just returning the coffee favor. I don’t want anything,” except your friendship, she added mentally.

“O—kay. Well, then. Dr. Carlin. How do you want to go about it?”

Lois turned in the general direction of Jimmy’s desk. “Jimmy!” she yelled. She turned back to Clark. “Let’s have Jimmy pull whatever he can. He’s probably already got some stuff from when we asked him to track down ACL. Maybe we can both check our e-mail and the wires, and then go over whatever Jimmy’s managed to pull.”

“Works for me.”

“Unless you have another idea?”

“No. That’s fine with me.”

Jimmy hurried over, his arms full of files. “Hey guys! Sorry, I was trying to explain something to one of the new research assistants. She’s really cute, but she’s never really had to use systems like ours and—”

“That’s great, Jimmy,” Lois cut in. “We need everything you can get us on—”

“Dr. Carlin?” Jimmy smirked. “Already done.” He set the stack of bulging file folders on Clark’s desk. “I figured you guys would want to start in on her after CK said she was Luthor’s ex. I had some time, so I started pulling stuff yesterday afternoon.”

“You’re the best, Jimmy,” Clark said, standing up and clapping him on the back.

“Yeah, well, I’ve learned from the best,” Jimmy said. “Now, I better get back to work.” He turned to head back to his desk.

“Good luck with the research assistant,” Clark called after him.

“Thanks!”

“So, which half of the files do you want to start with?” Clark asked Lois.

“Um, whichever you’re not starting with.”

Clark gave her another long look. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

“I’m fine!” Lois grabbed the top batch. “I’ll start with these,” she said and stalked back over to her desk. Good Lord, was it that unheard of for her to be a little nice? She growled as she started flipping through the files. In the old days, she and Clark would have taken the folders into a conference room, or at least sat at each other’s desks, but if she suggested that, Clark would probably look at her like she’d grown an extra head. The same way that I did … , she realized. When he first was nice to her, she kept waiting for the mask to drop. It took a long time for her to realize he wasn’t just smarming up to advance his career. Patience was not her strong suit, but it looked like she was going to have to develop some.

A couple hours later, Lois had finished going through her stack of files. She stretched, rotating her neck to try to work some of the kinks out. Clark had left some twenty minutes ago, presumably to grab lunch. She’d thought about asking him if he wanted to get lunch together, but she figured that’d be jumping the gun. Clark had turned her down almost every day for over a week after her almost wedding until she’d finally stopped asking him. Maybe once she’d softened him up a bit with coffee and being nice, he’d be willing to try lunch. It’d be interesting to find out if he’d had similar thoughts when he was trying to become her friend. Maybe later, if they ever managed to become best friends again, she would ask him.

She took the completed pile of folders over to his desk and picked up the other half. They were neatly stacked, so she assumed he was done with them. There hadn’t been much in her half—just enough to convince her there was more somewhere else. Bobby had agreed to meet them this afternoon. Hopefully, he’d know something useful. Her stomach growled, and she remembered she still hadn’t had lunch. She glanced at the clock. They were both ending up with a late lunch. Maybe she’d just pick up a sandwich from the deli down the street. She restacked her folders and put a note on Clark’s desk, then left.

Walking down the street, she heard the sonic boom that indicated Superman was at work somewhere nearby. She still wasn’t sure what to make of their encounter last night. How exactly did he want them to distance themselves? A big part of her job was to write up investigations that involved Superman—usually because he’d had to save her towards the end of them.

Really, he was just talking about changing public perception. One would think the fact that she’d almost married another man would have shifted that, but apparently not, at least not for Dr. Carlin. Well, and a lot of the papers had portrayed her as a gold-digger who had lost out in the end. And, judging from what she’d overheard, her co-workers thought she’d accepted Lex because she’d given up on Superman and he was the next best thing. It was painful how close to the truth they’d come. She’d even overheard people arguing that Superman hadn’t saved Lex because Lex had taken Lois away from him. Lois had been horrified by that idea. People obviously didn’t know Superman if they really believed that, although she’d read Clark’s sidebar about Dr. Carlin’s columns. People couldn’t help it if they’d been brainwashed to believe that Superman was wicked.

Lois sighed. Distance herself from Superman …. Despite her feelings for Clark, she was still more than half in love with the man of steel. She didn’t want to distance herself from him. Didn’t he understand that she was willing to take the risks of being associated with him?

But what about the risks to him? That was what it really came down to. He’d almost died, twice now, because of the perception that they were close. Lois sped up. If she really cared for him, she’d have to distance herself.

They could stage a public fight. Superman probably wouldn’t go for that—a fake fight didn’t fit in with truth and justice. She could date someone else. She shuddered at the thought. He couldn’t show anyone else attention or he’d be in the same place all over again, just with someone who wasn’t her. They could appear to drift apart. He could stop giving her interviews and exclusives (other than when it was related to a story she was already working on), and she could be more circumspect in her affections. She probably shouldn’t have kissed him in front of live television cameras that were being broadcast worldwide, but she’d wanted him to know that someone on Earth cared about him as a person, rather than what he could do for them. Oh well. It wasn’t like her life was normally all that safe anyway. Drifting apart was probably their best bet.

After ordering her sandwich, Lois noticed a young woman who was struggling to open the deli door, her arms full of one of the deli’s office-sized take-out boxes. Lois wondered why the woman hadn’t simply gotten the food delivered, but something about the woman still appealed to her. Lois walked over, opened the door, and held it for her.

“Thank you so much! I wasn’t sure how I was going to get out of here on my own,” the woman said, smiling at Lois.

“You’re welcome,” Lois replied, hesitantly smiling back. “You do have your hands full.”

“Well, have a good day! And thanks again!” the woman said.

“You too.”

Lois wasn’t sure why, but the exchange had touched her. Was this why Clark was so willing to do little things for others? The simple joy of helping a fellow human being? He cared about others. She cared about her career—and Clark cared about his career too—but Clark cared about a lot more than just his career. She would have to think about it some more and maybe experiment.

***

Clark finished dealing with the freeway accident and interrupted three muggings before returning to the Planet. He didn’t bother stopping for lunch. Now that his powers were back, he didn’t have to eat, and he found himself too stressed to want to eat most of the time. He still wasn’t sure what to make of Lois’s behavior today. She’d said that she didn’t want anything from him, but she’d sure acted like it. Maybe she’d ask for whatever it was later today or tomorrow. It drove him crazy when she tried to butter him up—partly because he so desperately wanted her to act that way normally and partly because she believed he wouldn’t help her out unless she manipulated him into it. He didn’t know what he’d done to make her think that about him. Although, maybe it said more about her than about him. Anyway, all he could do was wait for her to make her move.

Lois was already at her desk when he exited the stairwell. He quietly walked to his desk, noting that she’d swapped piles with him. Without a word, he began reading through the pile she’d had.

Before long, Lois walked over to him. “Have a nice lunch, Clark?” she asked.

Clark raised an eyebrow. “Fine. Did you find anything in your pile?”

“Hints. That’s about it. I noticed she had quite the import/export business. I wonder if there’s something there. And what about earlier this year when the Carlin building got bombed because Lex was testing Superman? Think there’s a connection?”

Clark tapped his pencil to his chin. “You might be right. I remember reading something about the Carlin building when we investigated the bombing. Wasn’t it held by”—he closed his eyes, trying to picture the name on the paperwork he’d looked at almost a year earlier—”Sasho Corp?”

“Yeah. Wasn’t there something about them in one of those folders?”

“Not in anything I’ve looked at.”

Lois dug through the pile. “I think it was in”—she held up a folder—”this one.”

“Hmm. Why would Luthor bomb one of Dr. Carlin’s buildings, if it was hers? Unless they had a messy divorce or she was in on it too—like with the Daily Planet: they bombed the building, and then collected the insurance on it.”

“And since it was their building in the first place, it would have been easy to set up the separate surveillance system, and they could bury the investigation on the bombing,” Lois finished.

Clark nodded. “That sounds about right. So maybe we should find out how much the building was insured for.”

“Jimmy!” Lois called.

Jimmy came rushing over. “What’s up guys?”

“Find out anything you can about the Carlin building—especially how much it was insured for and who got the insurance money after it got bombed,” Lois ordered.

“We already know that it was Sasho Corp that owned at least part of it—I remember that from when it was bombed, but check if anyone else was listed as part owner,” Clark added.

“Sure, guys,” Jimmy said.

“Thanks, Jimmy. You’re the best,” Lois said.

Jimmy looked like he wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. “Um, you’re welcome?”

Clark gave him a small smile. “We really do appreciate it.” After Jimmy walked away, Clark turned back to Lois. “Have you talked to Bobby about Dr. Carlin?” he asked.

Lois shook her head. “Nope, but it’s on my list for this afternoon. You coming along?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyone else you think we should talk to?” Lois asked, sitting down on the edge of Clark’s desk. She figured she might as well make it clear from her body language that she was going to stick around and listen.

Clark shrugged. “Henderson, of course. Figured we would both put the word out to our regular contacts that we’re looking for information about Dr. Carlin. Have you asked your contacts about Luthor’s body?”

“Not recently. Why?”

“It just seems like the ex-Mrs. Luthor might know something about it, and, with her in jail now, maybe something will turn up.”

“She did tell me yesterday that Lex was the ‘love of her life.’ That was actually why she wanted to destroy my life—since I supposedly drove Lex to his death.” Lois rolled her eyes. “Obviously, the woman didn’t understand that Lex threw himself off a building.”

“I guess we all have a blind spot when it comes to the people we love,” Clark said quietly.

Lois’s hastily indrawn breath was easily audible to both of them.

“I didn’t mean it that way, Lois,” Clark said quickly. “I just meant that—never mind.” He sighed. “What time does Bobby want to meet and what are we supposed to bring?”

“3 p.m. and Greek.”

Clark glanced at his watch. “Want me to run pick something up and meet you there? I assume we’re meeting at the regular spot?”

“That would be great. Yeah, regular spot. Thanks, Clark.”

After Clark left, Lois found herself sitting at her desk simply staring at the papers in front of her. She couldn’t seem to make her brain register anything her eyes were seeing. A blind spot for the people we love … Did Clark really think that she’d loved Lex? Is that what he’d been referring to? Or had he just been talking about Dr. Carlin? She shook her head. Given the tension between them, there was no way she was going to ask.

***

Clark heaved a sigh of relief as he took off from the Planet’s roof and flew towards Greece. Between his own conflicted emotions and her hurt over the whole Luthor fiasco, being around Lois felt like navigating a minefield these days. Two very broken people didn’t make for a good mix. He was just thankful that she hadn’t pressed him on the whole “we have a blind spot for the people we love” thing. He’d really just been thinking of Dr. Carlin when he’d said it, but then he’d realized that she might have thought he was trying to get in a dig over Luthor; and then there were days when he felt like screaming his frustration to the heavens over her blindness towards him. She still loved Superman. It had been so evident in the way she’d looked at him. She was still in love with a spandex Suit made by his mother. Not the man underneath. Not her best friend. A Suit, some flashy superpowers, and the pedestal she’d put him on. He shivered. The one woman he’d ever fallen in love with, and she couldn’t see him. Fate had a brutal sense of irony.

***

Lois was waiting for him when he walked up to her Jeep. He’d been careful to land in a deserted alley a few blocks from their meeting place and walk the rest of the way. Unless he wanted to deal with the headache he’d get from turning his super-hearing on continuously, Bobby could sneak up on even him. He carefully knocked on the passenger-side window and then got in.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly.

“Hey.”

“So did you find anything else after I left?”

“Not really.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments, then Bobby sat up in the backseat.

Lois gasped. “Why do you always have to do that?” she demanded.

“I heard things were rough between you two, but I really thought after this morning, it wouldn’t be nearly this bad,” Bobby said with a smirk. “Did you get him the wrong coffee or somethin’?” he asked Lois.

Lois frowned at him.

Clark turned to sit sideways in his seat. “Nice to see you too. So, what do you know about Arianna Carlin?”

“What’d you bring me?”

Lois rolled her eyes. “It’s Greek food.”

Bobby returned her eye roll exaggeratedly. “Thanks. I can tell that from the way it smells.”

“I picked up some gyros, a salad, baklava, and a coke,” Clark said, handing the shopping bag full of food back to Bobby.

Bobby rooted around in the bag and began picking at a gyro, his face filling with ecstasy. “Well, for this I’ll tell you that the chick used to be married to Lex Luthor. Even after they split, she was his partner in some of his not-so-legitimate businesses. Oh, and she’s been seen a lot with his doctor in the past couple months.”

Clark’s eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “Bobby, have you heard anything about Luthor’s body?”

“Not exactly. I did hear a rumor that last night some guys moved some equipment with what looked like a body in a glass coffin—like the guy inside was Sleeping Beauty or somethin’—but I couldn’t tell you who they were or who the body was or where they took it. Could be Luthor. You want me to check into it?”

“Definitely,” Lois said.

“All right. Well, good luck you guys. I’d hate to see you stop workin’ together,” Bobby said and got out of the car.

***

“So what do you think?” Clark asked Lois on their way back to the Planet.

“I think I want some baklava now,” she said with a pout in her voice.

“Besides that.”

“What kind of glass coffin would that be?”

“I have no idea,” Clark replied. “I mean, I’ve heard of cryogenics, but I’m not sure if they’d actually be able to revive Luthor—if that was him in the coffin. But, this is Luthor. I’m pretty sure he was behind the Superman clone. And if Mrs. Luthor’s been seen with his doctor ….”

“Yeah.” Lois shuddered. “I can’t believe he might be alive. Dr. Carlin did seem almost—obsessed with Lex. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to save him, assuming such a thing is possible.”

Clark thought about asking her how she felt about that. After all, if Luthor hadn’t killed himself, she would have been married to the man. “Do you know his doctor’s name?” he asked instead.

“Um, I think it started with a K. Kenny, Keane, Kelly, maybe? We can get Jimmy to look into it when we get back.”

“All right. So what else do you want to get done tonight? Finish looking through the files?”

“Yeah, and maybe put the word out to our contacts.”

***

It was late by the time they were done reading through their respective folders and still they’d only found hints. That morning Clark had realized that their inability to work together was hampering the investigation. Not going through the files together had slowed things down, but that didn’t mean he had any idea what to do about it. [i]Talk to her,[/i] his mother’s advice echoed through his brain. He suppressed a snort. Right. Just talk to Lois Lane. What exactly was his mother expecting him to say? He’d given and given and given over the course of their past arguments, but they’d finally reached a point where Lois had to give some ground, and that was as likely to happen as for pigs to fly. He suddenly imagined himself flying a pig across the city, and wondered how many people would be forced to do things they’d sworn never to do. The corners of his mouth quirked up. His whole life might have fallen apart, but at least he still had his sense of humor, right?

He glanced up at Lois. She was still in the process of finishing off e-mails. The gulf between their desks seemed unbridgeable. He didn’t even know what he’d have to hear in order to want to bridge it, let alone what kind of words could bridge over his declaration of love and her rejection, or her lack of trust in him, or her choosing Superman over him, or the fact that she’d told Superman she’d love him even if he were an ordinary man living an ordinary life, or the fact that she’d chosen Luthor over him. There were days when he felt like the silence between them crackled so loudly it was a wonder even his super-hearing could break through it.

Lois’s voice cut through his musings. “Can I give you a ride home?” she asked.

This time Clark did look at her like she had two heads. “No, thanks, Lois. I’ve got some errands to run on my way home.”

“All right, well, have a good night,” she said, her smile looking forced.

He put his chin in his hand, resting his elbow on his desk. What exactly was she up to? He shook his head. Maybe she’d tell him what she wanted tomorrow.

***

When she got home, Lois ordered take-out from Mr. Singh’s and pulled out her personal investigation notes. Time to discover another of her secrets. She read over her lists again. Maybe she needed to come at this from a different angle. Instead of trying to figure out every single thing the guys in her life had in common, she should figure out what the commonalities she’d already found said about her. Power and position had been something that had come up. Why was she attracted to men with power and position? What was it about her that wanted that?

She stood up and began pacing. She couldn’t be shallow enough to like men simply for that—could she? No, that didn’t make sense. It wasn’t like she went out of her way to find men who had power and position. She just wanted someone she could respect, someone who wasn’t a slacker, someone successful at life.

“Let’s see. Was Lex actually successful?” she asked herself. “I mean, he was great at what he did, but he was a crime lord. And he was very successful at deception. Maybe it’s not success that’s the key. Or maybe I should be thinking about how he appeared rather than how he was.”

She paused in her pacing, staring hard at the window in front of her. What had been her first impression of Lex? A wealthy businessman who avoided talking to the press, but was willing to make an exception for her—even though he’d never truly made that exception since he’d slithered his way out of the interview. He’d made her feel quite desirable. She resumed her pacing. Maybe that was it. Superman treated her the same way. She remembered the time he’d burst into the vault at the Metropolis Gold Repository and carried her out, cradled in his arms. He’d been shaking slightly, as though terrified of losing her. And there was that sense of connection that she couldn’t quite explain, but had felt from the moment she’d first flown with him.

“What about Claude?” Claude had definitely made her feel desirable. He’d wined and dined her. The fact that the Planet’s top reporter, who also happened to be foreign with a very attractive accent, was taking notice of her, despite her youth and inexperience, had felt wonderful. Her stomach roiled just remembering how naïve she’d been. She’d taken his interest in her work as approval and interest in her, instead of realizing that he was stealing her story. Just the fact that she’d let a man like that near her once again made her desperate for a shower. She shuddered, trying to drive Claude’s essence out of her brain.

“So Paul,” she said resolutely. “Paul was so handsome. And I did feel special having the editor pay attention to me—not that it was actually special since Paul spread his favors around all the time.”

Lois slumped down on her poorly shaped couch. Sifting through the rubble left by one disastrous relationship after another was far more difficult than she’d expected. Paul had broken her heart. Claude had broken her heart. Lex had taken her self-respect. She’d always been furious at Linda for stealing Paul, but it hadn’t been entirely Linda’s fault. Clark would be faithful to whatever woman he ended up with—he wouldn’t let himself be stolen. Likewise with Superman, if he ever decided to have a relationship. Paul and Claude and Lex and her father all chose to be men who could be tempted.

She frowned. Each of those men were good at making a woman feel wooed, but none of them were actually men who would stick around. Why was that? Maybe there was something to the whole “practice makes perfect” thing. Clark was attractive, but he’d never gone out of his way to pursue her. He’d just announced that he was in love with her. Superman hadn’t set out to attract her at all. He’d rejected her declaration of love. Their connection, or whatever it was, seemed to be completely separate from either of their actions.

Where did that leave her? She looked down at her papers again. What was it about her that made her end up with men who were powerful, but unwilling to commit to one woman? She started back at the top of the list, her eyes lingering on her father’s name. Sam Lane. He’d never made her feel wanted—quite the opposite in fact. She’d spent most of her life trying to gain his approval until they’d had a fight in high school and hadn’t really spoken until that business with his cyborg boxers. She’d always thought that he’d have to admit she’d succeeded once she’d proven herself as a reporter—that she’d been right to go into journalism instead of medicine. But that had been a ridiculous hope. Her father would never be proud of her because she could never be the son he’d wanted. It was an impossibility. She shook her head as though she could shake the thought away and doggedly returned to her list. Her father was evidently good at making other women feel valued—at least she assumed he was since he’d had more affairs than she could count. And he’d been in a position of power over her.

She walked over to the freezer and got out some ice cream. Pretend it was Lucy’s life. Lucy dated all the same type of guys too—even if they were a different variety than Lois’s type. It was like she had the same relationship over and over, just with a different body on the other end. She was fairly certain Lucy only dated guys who were incapable of fidelity. Was that her? Dating her father over and over again?

“Am I somehow re-creating that relationship? Or trying to prove to my father that I can date successful guys?” she asked herself.

A sudden memory flashed through her mind—her father making a sarcastic comment to her mother about their daughters’ love lives and how it would be a miracle if they found anyone worthwhile who wanted them.

Unwanted.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she almost choked on her ice cream. That was the reality of her childhood. Unwanted by her father because she wasn’t a son and could never live up to his exacting standards. Unwanted by her mother because children were an inconvenience to her alcoholism. Lucy wanted her—but that was because Lucy needed someone to take care of her, not because she wanted Lois for herself. She collapsed against the counter. She’d thought she’d dealt with all this years ago. She’d shut her parents out of her life and set her own course. The tide of emotion rising in her chest and threatening to overwhelm her said otherwise.

No wonder she was perpetually attracted to men who were seemingly successful. If she married someone like that, if someone like that wanted her, she’d be disproving her father’s statement and his whole attitude towards her. She’d prove that she was lovable.

A knock at her door jerked her out of her reverie. She stowed the ice cream back in the freezer and ran her fingers under her eyes to make sure no tears had leaked out. A glance through the peephole showed Mr. Singh’s delivery boy. It had taken them long enough.

***

The next morning Lois looked back over her how-to-pursue-Clark list from the other night. She wasn’t going to bring coffee again today, just in case Clark decided to reciprocate from yesterday. No need to set herself up to look ridiculous. Besides, if Ben thought buying Clark coffee once meant they were dating, he’d have them married if she bought Clark coffee two days in a row. So, what did that leave her with? Clark wouldn’t go to lunch with her. She could still ask how his evening had been. Maybe something else would strike her on her way to work or once she got there. She dressed and headed into the office a little early.

***

A delivery man with an armful of packages was heading into the Planet. Remembering how good it had felt to help the woman in the deli the day before, Lois held the door for him and smiled. “Nice day,” she said.

“Thanks!” the man said, returning her smile. “It is. I’m really enjoying these sunny days. Not looking forward to winter.”

“Me too. Well, have a good day,” she said, a trifle awkwardly.

“You too.”

The elevator was already waiting when she got to it, so she was able to get right on. The research assistant who had caught Jimmy’s eye was the only other person who got on. Lois gave her a slight smile and said, “Good morning,” surprising even herself.

The girl’s eyes widened, then she looked down at the floor, mumbling “Good morning” back.

Lois wondered a bit at that. She knew she had a reputation for ruthlessness in pursuit of a story and perhaps a bit of a temper, but had it grown to where the new people were afraid of her even before seeing one of her passions? Perhaps so. The thought, which once would have comforted her as evidence of her dedication to her career, now seemed yet more evidence of her failures. She swallowed hard, forcing the emotion back into its little box. She was not going to go soft. Lex might have ruined much of her life, but she refused to give up her career. Work was no place to deal with personal feelings. Her experiences with Claude had taught her that.

Willing herself to look unaffected, she strode out of the elevator and over to her desk, giving people curt nods as she passed. With deliberate movements, she hung up her coat and booted up her computer. Taking a few deep breaths now that she was where no one could see them, she forced herself to calmly read through her e-mails and look over the wire.

***

Clark stepped out of the elevator, carefully carrying two cups of coffee from Ben’s. Lois was already in. He walked over and set the coffee on her desk.

“G’morning, Lois.”

Lois turned and gave him a slight smile. “Thanks, Clark.”

He shrugged. “It was my turn,” he said and headed over to his own desk.

Lois picked up her coffee and a notebook, then followed him, sitting on the edge of his desk the way he’d sat on hers uncounted times. It was amazing how just being with him soothed her, despite the distance between them. “How was your night?” she asked.

“Fine,” Clark said, holding in a grimace. For some reason the fact that everyone knew Superman was back meant there had been more work for him than usual. He hoped things would settle down soon. “You?”

“It was okay, I think.”

Clark stared at his computer, putting all his focus into booting it up and getting ready to work.

“So, uh, I was thinking we should make a list of what we want to get done today,” Lois said.

“Sounds good. What do you have so far?”

“Well, actually, I haven’t started. I thought I’d see what was on your mental list first.”

Clark gave her a quizzical look. “Okay. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Henderson yesterday. Did you?”

“Nope.” Lois wrote “Henderson” on her notepad.

“Have you talked to Jimmy yet this morning?” Clark asked.

“No, not yet.”

“I hope he found something on Sasho Corp and Dr. Kelly.”

“And the Carlin building,” she added, writing all three items on her list. “Have you heard anything else from your contacts?”

“Not a thing. You?”

“Not yet.”

“So do you want to call Henderson or shall I?”

Lois made a face. “I’m probably in his black book right now. Maybe you should call him.”

“All right.”

“Do you want to take our research into the conference room?” Lois suggested.

Clark looked down at his desk. Did he want to spend hours in a conference room with Lois? No. But would the conference room be the fastest way for them to finish this investigation? Yes. He forced himself to meet her gaze. “If you want to,” he said shortly.

“All right then. Well, I’ll just let you check your messages, and, uh, I’ll finish checking mine, and then we can get our stuff from Jimmy and take it into the conference room.”

Clark gave a short nod, then picked up his phone.

Realizing that was probably a hint for her to leave, Lois stood up and walked back over to her desk.

How had Clark done it? How had he kept pursuing her day after day even though she’d treated him so badly? How had he kept from becoming discouraged or just plain tired of dealing with her crap? Just get through today, she told herself. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

She finished going through her e-mail and voicemail—nothing related to Dr. Carlin there. Time to head into the conference room.

“Jimmy!” she hollered.

After a few moments, Jimmy arrived at her desk. “Hey Lois! Want your research from yesterday or already onto something new?”

She gave him a small smile. “Yesterday’s. Find anything interesting?”

“I pulled the latest financial reports from both Sasho Corp and Dr. Kelly, as well as any other background information I could find. As far as the Carlin Building went, Sasho Corp was the only one who was listed as an owner. But get this: they took out an extra insurance policy through—dah duh dah!”—Jimmy flourished a folder—”Lexel Investments. Sound familiar?”

Lois’s brow furrowed. “Was that the—”

“Same company Luthor used to turn the Daily Planet’s bombing into a windfall—yes,” Clark said, walking up behind her.

Lois turned to face him. “Sounds like we might be onto something.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything else,” Jimmy said, handing the stack of folders and paperwork to Clark.

“Thanks, Jimmy,” Clark said as Jimmy walked away. He turned to Lois. “Henderson wasn’t in the office yet so I left a message for him. Shall we?” he asked, gesturing towards the conference room.

Lois nodded and picked up her coffee.

***

An hour later Lois was wondering what in heaven’s name she’d been thinking when she’d suggested working in the conference room. Getting through their files faster, rebuilding their friendly rapport—all that jazz, she reminded herself. She hadn’t planned on sitting through the sizzlingly awkward silence that had descended the moment they’d split up the files. Patience. It had taken Clark weeks to earn her trust. She had to give him the same courtesy. Maybe another gesture?

She glanced down at her coffee cup, and then surreptitiously over at Clark’s. “I think I need some more coffee,” she said, standing up. “Want some?”

Clark didn’t even look up. “No, thanks.”

***

Clark heaved a sigh of relief once Lois was out the door. Sitting for over an hour in silence had been as draining as he’d expected. It made it difficult to concentrate on the files in front of him. Glancing out the window into the newsroom, he ascertained that no one was watching, and then flipped through the rest of his files at super-speed and the remaining half of Lois’s. At least he could figure out which ones to spend more time on. Leaning back in his chair, he stared up at the ceiling. The answers were here on this table somewhere. Or at least the next step. Dr. Carlin had been involved in Luthor’s criminal endeavors. It was really past time to see what Henderson had gotten from that woman and Lois’s double. Maybe he could use that as an excuse to take a break in a little bit.

“Whatcha thinking?” Lois asked as she walked back in.

Clark sat up. “Just about how Dr. Carlin is connected to all these pieces ….” Suddenly he smacked himself in the head. “We’re idiots!”

“Speak for yourself,” Lois said, raising an eyebrow.

“Bobby told us that Dr. Carlin was involved with Luthor’s criminal activities.”

“We knew that already.”

“Yes, but what we should have done was cross-reference the list of companies ACL’s connected to with the list we already have of Luthor’s criminal companies.”

Lois nodded slowly, then smiled. “Good call! So shall we get Jimmy on that while we go check out Dr. Kelly, or did you want to focus on Sasho Corp?”

Clark stared at her. A compliment? From Lois? What was the world coming to? Or rather, how much longer would it be before she finally asked for whatever she was maneuvering him around to?

“Clark?” Lois prompted when Clark remained staring at her without answering her question.

“Oh. Um, either is fine with me.” He grimaced. “There’s not much to go on as far as who exactly owns Sasho Corp. There’s a board listed, but I didn’t see any obvious connections between them and Dr. Carlin—we’ll probably have to dig deeper. However, I did find out that they used some of the same shipping companies ACL did.”

Lois tapped her chin. “Maybe Lex owned Sasho? Or maybe Lex and Dr. Carlin owned Sasho? Let’s have Jimmy cross-reference what he can find out on Sasho Corp with ACL and Lex’s companies. We can check out Dr. Kelly in the meantime.”

“Sounds good. Did you read the folder on her?”

“Yeah. Looking through her file, there’s not much there. She was a renowned physician before Lex hired her as his personal physician. Judging from her finances, he made leaving her other patients very much worth her while.”

Clark nodded. He’d super-sped through that file and the contents hadn’t much surprised him. “Luthor probably didn’t want to share a doctor with anyone,” he said, trying to keep the bitterness from his tone. If there was one thing Luthor had been good at, it had been taking what he wanted regardless of how anyone else felt about it. “So do you want to interview her or just skip straight to the stakeout since we already know she’s involved with Luthor and Dr. Carlin?”

Lois’s brow scrunched up. “Why don’t we skip straight to the stakeout, and then if nothing turns up we can tell her that we’re doing a follow-up on Luthor and see if that makes her nervous enough to slip up.”

“Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll go talk to Jimmy to get him started. Did you want to finish flipping through the rest of these files now or wait until we get the correlations?”

“Um, what do you think?”

Clark shrugged. It really didn’t matter to him if they spent the morning looking through the folders. Although, on the other hand, that meant they’d be spending the morning in awkward silence … maybe it’d be better to wait. “If we wait, we might catch more. We could check with our sources again this morning. Try to get in touch with Henderson. I’ve got a couple of back-burner articles from before that I should look at anyway.”

“Oh, okay,” Lois agreed. “Well, I guess I’ll just collect these then.”

“I can do that,” Clark said, determined to maintain politeness and to keep Lois from having any extra opportunities to manipulate him. He began gathering the folders and stacking them, making sure to keep them in the four distinct piles they’d had. “I can keep them at my desk if you need the space.”

“Uh, I have space for them,” Lois said and opened the conference room door.

Clark waited for her to exit, set the stacks on her desk, then said, “Okay, I’ll go find Jimmy.”

Lois sat back down at her desk. With difficulty she refrained from holding her head in her hands and instead began rechecking her e-mail and phone messages.

***

Clark felt his shoulders relax as he walked away from Lois. They’d gotten through that in one piece and now they could take a break from each other—at least until they started the stakeout. What a nightmare that was going to be! He shook his head. Cross that bridge when he came to it.

Fortunately, Jimmy was at his desk. “Hey, Jimmy—”

Jimmy looked up with a smirk. “Something new for you guys already?” He looked pointedly at his watch. “Didn’t you just get here an hour ago?”

“Yeah, well, you know how it is.”

“What can I do for ya?”

“We need a correlated list of the companies that Luthor, ACL, and Sasho Corp did business with.”

Jimmy whistled. “You guys don’t ask for much, do you?”

Clark gave a small smile. “It’s because we know you’re up to the challenge.”

“All right, all right. I’ll have it to you as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Jimmy,” Clark said and headed back towards his desk.

Now he just had to decide how to fill the time until Jimmy had the list, or until they decided they should start their stakeout. He actually did have some small back-burner articles he could work on. Or he could go check with his sources who didn’t have phone access. That might be the best use of his time. And it would have the added benefit of being out of the office.

After arranging with Lois that they’d start their stakeout at 3 p.m., Clark was in and out of the office. He talked to Henderson and his other sources, did a couple of Superman rescues, worked on his back-burner articles, and wrote up the more newsworthy rescues he’d done that day.

***

Clark kept his eyes trained on the building in front of them. Dr. Kelly had an office in a building with several other professionals. People came in and out of the building from time to time. “Did we find out if Dr. Kelly is even treating any patients currently?” he asked.

Lois smirked. “Nope. Just that ACL Corp has been depositing some serious cash into her account ever since Lex died.”

“Huh. That’s not suspicious,” Clark said sarcastically.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Well, I guess we’ll see,” Clark said, hoping that would finish the conversation for now. It was strange: stakeouts with Lois used to be one of his favorite pastimes. Sitting here, with all the awkwardness between them, he almost couldn’t remember why he’d enjoyed them so much. He held in a snort. He’d been like a lovesick puppy, happy just to be in her presence in hopes of someday moving their relationship forward. She’d definitely broken him of that fantasy. Why were they doing this again? Oh right. Perry couldn’t justify both their jobs if they weren’t partners, and Clark didn’t really want to move Superman away from Metropolis.

Lois shifted in her seat, trying to come up with a neutral topic of conversation. “So, um, how did writing your articles go?”

“Fine.”

“What were you working on?”

Clark held in a sigh. “Perry had me write a piece on that new soup kitchen downtown.”

“Oh yeah. I heard about that place. What’d you think of it?”

Clark shrugged. “It was about like most soup kitchens.” He noticed a young man walking into the building they were watching and decided to use him to stay on safe conversational ground, i.e., work. “Did Jimmy run any of Dr. Kelly’s known associates?” He gestured towards the young man. “Any chance that some of these people are actually here to see her?”

Lois sagged slightly. “No, Jimmy only listed Lex and Dr. Carlin, and of course, any of Lex’s other employees are possibilities. She’d been working for Lex for the past ten years. Jimmy didn’t pull further back than that.”

Clark nodded. “Gotcha.”

Lois considered suggesting they do a little unauthorized reconnaissance later that night, but decided not to push Clark. If they didn’t find anything within a day or two, then she could start pushing. She let the silence string out between them. It was obvious that Clark didn’t want to talk, at least not to her. How had they spent their stakeouts before? When she’d been partnerless, she’d used the time to catch up on work or to start new investigations. But ever since their first long stakeout in the honeymoon suite, Clark had made stakeouts fun. They’d played word games, asked each other trivia questions, made up outrageous stories about the people around them, occasionally talked about their pasts, and speculated on their work. There had never been an in-between for her: an awkward stage, where one simply sat with someone else in heavy silence. None of the people Perry had tried to partner her with had stuck around long enough to do stakeouts. So now she had no clue what to do. What if it was Clark, sitting with her in a prickly silence? What would he have done? He always seemed to have some innate understanding of when she needed space and when he could push. She didn’t have that.

Well, if she were to push, the way he used to push …. She thought for a few moments. Clark would have tried to start something silly to lighten the mood—the same way he’d pulled out the board games and just expected her to play on their first stakeout. A silly game …. Nothing brilliant came to mind. Oh well, they could always fall back on the alphabet game: find an object and add a ridiculous adjective to go with it. She studied the building in front of her.

She cleared her throat. “Atrocious Awning,” she said, hoping Clark would just go with it.

“Hmm?”

“Atrocious awning,” she said a little more forcefully. “Your turn.”

“What if I don’t want to play?”

“You really want to just sit here for hours on end?” Lois said, trying to infuse some humor into the question. She remembered how horrified Clark had seemed at the idea of working through their stakeouts.

Clark shrugged.

“C’mon, Clark! Atrocious Awning—it’s your turn.”

Clark huffed internally. Lois just couldn’t leave him alone. Maybe he liked the quiet.

Who was he kidding? He hated the suffocating emptiness between them. Maybe Lois had the right of it. At least they could fake the trappings of a truce to make their situation bearable. “Bright Balloons,” he said unenthusiastically.

The game limped along after that. Lois wasn’t sure she wanted to keep playing. Clark was usually the one full of enthusiasm for games. Playing games with him was fun because he was having fun. Playing games with him now, when he was obviously bored and barely engaged, was significantly less so. Although she wasn’t playing to have fun; she was playing to draw Clark out, to show him that she wanted their friendship back.

If nothing else, the experience had her in awe of Clark’s patience. How often had she met one of his ideas with sarcasm or indifference? And yet, he kept trying, kept pushing. And somehow, in pushing her, she’d become a better person with him than without him. She pondered that. It was true. She was a better person today than she’d been before Clark had come into her life, even with all her hang-ups. Clark had taught her how to be a friend, how to have fun. It was part of why she wanted to keep him in her life.

The hours passed agonizingly slowly. Finally, Lois suggested dinner. If nothing else, it would keep their mouths busy for a few minutes. Plus, hungry people were cranky people. She did not need Clark any crankier than he already was.

“Dinner? What if Dr. Kelly leaves?” Clark asked.

Lois tilted her head. “Well, what if one of us gets dinner while the other keeps watch?” She swallowed hard, reminding herself that having Clark back in her life was more important than any story. “You can call me if Dr. Kelly leaves.”

Clark whipped his head around to stare at her. “All right. What is going on?”

“What do you mean ‘what’s going on’?”

“I mean, what is going on?” His eyes briefly closed of their own accord. “Look, I know you believe that the vast majority of people won’t do nice things without being sweet-talked or forced into it. What I don’t know is why you think I’m one of those people. I can’t promise that I’ll do whatever it is that you’re angling for me to do, but I do promise that I’ll at least think about it. So stop trying to manipulate me and just ask for whatever it is that you want.”

Lois flinched. “I’m not trying to manipulate you.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not! I swear! I just … “ Her hands twined together in her lap, then restlessly shifted along the steering wheel. “I just—miss you. I miss our friendship. I want you as my friend again,” she finished in a quiet voice.

Clark rubbed his forehead, wondering if he’d heard her properly. Be her friend again? That’s what all the rigamarole of the past couple of days had been about? Clark didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t even know what to think about it. No mention of his love for her. No mention of her rejection of him. No mention of the fact that she hadn’t trusted him.

“Clark?”

Clark’s hands fell to his lap, and his gaze followed them. “I don’t know what to say, Lois.”

“Say you’ll be my friend again,” she said, her voice breaking.

Clark lifted his eyes to hers. Tears were pooled in her eyes and tugged at his heart. That was something he couldn’t afford so he shifted to look out the window. “Lois, this is something I’ve thought a lot about. I’m just not sure—”

“I said I was sorry, Clark, and I am. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to your instincts about Lex. I’m sorry that I said all those horrible things to you.” She swallowed hard. “Everything that happened with Lex made me—well, it made me take a hard look at myself and I”—she looked down at the console between them—”I don’t like what I’ve found. I wasn’t a good friend to you before. I guess I didn’t really know how to be a friend.” She gave a shaky chuckle. “It’s no surprise given my past. I am trying to change though.” She forced herself to look at Clark once more. “All I’m asking for is another chance. I know it’ll take time. I know things can’t just go back to the way they were before—and I don’t want them to. But I miss you. I want you as my friend.”

Clark sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Lois, I can’t promise anything right now. I’ve been trying to, um, work through some of the mess with Luthor, but it’s slow going.” He paused for a moment, then continued in a hoarse whisper. “Some things are just too broken to fix.”

“Clark, I know that, believe me I do. You, um—you know a fair bit about my family. And I know I wasn’t a good friend, but I’m trying to be a better one now..”

“Lois, honestly, some days I’m not even sure I want to try,” he admitted quietly.

Lois hissed as though in pain, then gave a bitter chuckle. “Who would have thought?”

“What?”

“Us. You spent so long working for my friendship, and I just threw it away, threw you away,” she trailed off in a whisper. Then, clearing her throat, she continued, “I never would have expected us to reverse roles.”

Clark leaned away from her. No. He wasn’t throwing her away. His actions didn’t even come close to what she’d done. He had never been dismissive of her or rejected her.

Except for right now, his conscience pointed out.

“I never would have expected you to be the kind of person who can’t forgive, even though a part of me knows that what I did was unforgivable. I want to be your friend, Clark. A real friend. The kind of friend you were to me.”

Clark sat in silence. The idea of Lois being the kind of friend to him that he’d been to her was seductive beyond belief, yet he wasn’t sure that he could trust her. Had they reversed roles? Was he refusing her simply because she’d refused him? He wouldn’t be that petty, would he?

Lois wiped the tears from her face. “Could we maybe—maybe just take it one day at a time? Can we try again?”

Clark winced. Try again? He didn’t know, and he still hadn’t figured out if he wanted to leave Metropolis or throw caution to the winds and pursue Lois once more. Although in some ways trying again was all he’d been doing. Taking one day at a time, trying to sort out his feelings. He took a couple of deep breaths. Maybe this was what they needed—for Lois to try. Maybe that would help him decide if he really wanted her in his life or not. Lois actively trying was definitely different.

Clark turned back to Lois. “Okay,” he said softly.

“Okay? Really?” she asked, the corners of her mouth tugging upwards in a small smile.

“Yeah. Really. I’m not sure how much I can put into our friendship right now, but if you’re willing to try”—he took a ragged breath—”I’ll, um, do my best.”

Lois put a hand on his arm, and Clark managed to keep himself from flinching away. “Thanks, Clark.” She turned back to watch Dr. Kelly’s office. “So what do you want to do about dinner?”

“Are you hungry, or are you asking because you think I’m hungry?”

Lois shrugged. “I’m not starving yet, but I could eat.”

“All right, what sort of something do you want?”

“Um, I’m flexible. Do you have a preference?”

“Lois, being my friend doesn’t entail bending over backwards. That’s not the kind of person I am. If you have a preference, just say it. I’ll tell you if it sounds bad to me.”

“Okay, um, Chinese?”

“All right. I’ll go pick some up. I need to stretch my legs anyway. Do you want anything in particular?”

Lois shook her head. “The food you get is always great. Whatever sounds good to you.”

“Okay. I’ll pick something up. Try not to get into trouble while I’m gone,” he said with a tiny smile.

“Will do,” she said, returning his smile.