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Goals or the Lack Thereof

Sitting here, I find myself staring at the screen and trying to remember anything to write about. It’s amazing how small and out of focus my world has become. We tried to go somewhere a couple weeks ago. It didn’t work out well, so I’ve had to accept I’m still housebound. I have to admit it was a blow, though not an unexpected one. After all, I’ve had since July of last year to adjust, right? (Who knew whooping cough could last so long?!!) I’m pretty sure the out of focus bit is more a result of the emotional turmoil of this past year.

We watched the new¬†Annie¬†movie with our kids today. I actually really liked the remake. However, I re-realized that I don’t really have any goals right now. I haven’t had goals in so long. I’ve been a very goal-oriented, push-through-no-matter-the-cost kind of person my whole life. It’s a little disorienting to be going nowhere right now. Just waiting. Trying to let my body heal up enough that I can rejoin society or just even be able to get through a semi-normal amount of activity in a day, despite the fact that some days it feels like a pipe dream. Trying to let myself grieve, even though there’s always this part of myself that argues it’s been plenty long enough.

I have always defined myself in terms of “do” and now I find myself forced into the world of “be.”

It’s so hard to practice what you preach. Six years ago if someone had asked me what a person had to do to be worthwhile, I easily could have expounded on the reality that we are all worthwhile simply by being God’s creation. Yet now I’m antsy and dissatisfied in “be” mode. I’ve learned that it takes just as much (or maybe more) to live in “be” rather than “do.”

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Intrinsic Strength

So, I’ve blogged about this before and probably will again, but it’s what I needed to hear this week. I had a rough week. Despite (or maybe because of) our goal to get more sleep, I’ve been exhausted–insomnia, added health issues, hormonal things. It’s been rough. And I’ve done a wretched job of getting up in the morning and having my quiet time. Normally, my children will protest and/or suggest I go spend some time with Jesus when I haven’t done my Bible study (they know “mean mommy” comes out if I haven’t spent my time with Jesus). This week they didn’t for whatever reason and I just ran from one thing to the next or spent my time being ill-er than usual.

This morning in my Tai Chi class, we talked about intrinsic strength. We talk about this fairly often. Basically, it’s the strength we all gain when we align with gravity and ground ourselves on the earth. It’s the thing we take advantage of when we relax and lift with our legs. One way I’ve gotten in touch with this feeling is to pick up something (~5lbs or more). Try tensing your muscles. Now try relaxing them. Lean to one side or the other. Lean back. Lock your knees (briefly! you don’t need to pass out). When your body is aligned with gravity and your muscles are relaxed, the weight passes through your body and into the ground. You can feel it pushing your feet into the earth.

This is what our spiritual walk is like. I so often get tensed up, whether it’s out of fear or the belief I need to DO something. When we’re tensed, the stressor can’t just pass through us into the One who is holding us up. My Tai Chi instructor likes to say it’s like a kink in a garden hose. When I try to carry my problems with my own energy, it’s exhausting. When I simply allow them to pass through me to the ground, and allow the ground to bear their weight, I can still feel them, but they aren’t overwhelming me. Can the ground handle all the weight of everything on the earth? Obviously–it already is. So that’s half the equation.

The other half is staying connected to the ground. This sounds simple, but it’s really not (at least for me). It means not focusing on my thoughts, my plans, etc., etc. It means putting my full weight on the ground and relaxing into its strength, rather than trying to carry myself. God is our ground. He’s our firm foundation, our anchor. When we don’t spend time being still before Him, we forget who He is, we lose touch with Him. He’s always there–just like the ground.

The beauty of this approach is that it doesn’t matter what circumstances throw at us–God is more than capable of handling them. He already does carry them.

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Finding Emotional Rest

So in my post on mental rest, I actually addressed worry, which is both emotional and mental. Emotional rest covers a wide variety of issues–just ask yourself if you ever feel like you experience an emotion that’s taking a lot of energy and you can find areas you need God’s rest in. I had a day a couple of weeks ago where I felt really energized and cheerful for most of the day, which is VERY unusual for me (I usually run out of spoons by about 10 a.m. :)). I was pondering why I felt so great and suddenly realized that I wasn’t in any pain (also really unusual). It really re-reminded me how draining/exhausting pain is.

Emotional stressors are like that. We carry around bitterness and shame, etc. without realizing what a toll it’s taking on us. I think one of the saddest things to see is someone who’s been lugging around the same emotional baggage for years and years. I don’t know about you, but I want to figure out what my baggage is and unpack it so I won’t be carrying the same junk 10 years from now. There are much better things to spend my time and energy on than baggage.

I’ve kicked around writing on shame or bitterness, despite having already written copious amounts on them in my book, but I keep losing my drafts so maybe God’s trying to tell me something. The emotional rest I’ve found in Christ is so amazing–more than I ever hoped for. By the time I reached college I had many, many pounds of baggage, and I just expected that I would have to manage life with it. And then God started working a miracle. I still have plenty of issues to work through, but I’m not carrying the acres of junk I started out with.

I think the first place I had to come to was understanding who God is. Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth” (NIV). It was only once I stopped pretending my baggage wasn’t there, or trying to blame it on other people, or downplay the sheer amount of it, that I made progress. It was in just sitting with it before the Lord and admitting I couldn’t do anything to change the amount I had… in finally admitting I wasn’t God, that I was able to know God was God. And then the more time I spent in His presence and reading His Word, the more I came to know four crucial things about Him. And those four things ripped up all the excuses I had used to explain my baggage.

1) God is holy. There is no darkness in Him at all. And He can’t tolerate any darkness. Sitting in His holiness opened my eyes to the depth of my own sin… it forced me to take responsibility for my issues–to realize that I had developed sinful survival skills. Even though they saved me at the time, to continue in them is sin. And sitting in His holiness showed me that He is incapable of working evil in my life, which really helped with my trust issues (at least as far as God is concerned).

2) God loves me, and you. In the cross we see the embodiment of that love (Romans 5:8). Jesus died for me. Just sit with that for a moment. Re-read Matthew 26-28 if you’re a little fuzzy on the actual events. Jesus suffered and died. Yes, He did it to satisfy God’s holiness. Yes, He did it because God will judge sin. But, more than that, He did it for you. Hebrews 12:3 says that He did it for the joy set before Him. How much love would it take for you to die a horrible death for someone and consider it a joy because you were rescuing them from the hatred they had for you?

3) Because God loves me, He always wants what is best for me. I love how Lewis talks about God’s love: that it is a terrible love, relentlessly working to make the beloved more lovely, even when the beloved would prefer to remain as they are. Sometimes the things God has allowed in my life have quite frankly sucked. But then I see what He’s done with them and I wouldn’t trade them for anything–it’s like the transition from a lump of dirty coal to a valuable diamond. You don’t have to like the coal, but you can’t get the diamond without it.

4) God is God and I am not. I have no right to play God in anyone else’s life. I have no right to play God in my own life. I can’t judge or punish someone else, even just by refusing to forgive them. I can’t judge or punish myself. I am fundamentally incapable of distinguishing between truth and lies apart from God. My only safety lies in running back to Him (which I am willing to do because of #1 & #2).

Whenever I feel myself falling into worry or bitterness towards someone or resentment over situations or shame, I try to run back to God’s character and take refuge there, to be still and know that He is God. He will be exalted among all people. He will be exalted in the earth.