Sitting here, I find myself staring at the screen and trying to remember anything to write about. It’s amazing how small and out of focus my world has become. We tried to go somewhere a couple weeks ago. It didn’t work out well, so I’ve had to accept I’m still housebound. I have to admit it was a blow, though not an unexpected one. After all, I’ve had since July of last year to adjust, right? (Who knew whooping cough could last so long?!!) I’m pretty sure the out of focus bit is more a result of the emotional turmoil of this past year.
We watched the new Annie movie with our kids today. I actually really liked the remake. However, I re-realized that I don’t really have any goals right now. I haven’t had goals in so long. I’ve been a very goal-oriented, push-through-no-matter-the-cost kind of person my whole life. It’s a little disorienting to be going nowhere right now. Just waiting. Trying to let my body heal up enough that I can rejoin society or just even be able to get through a semi-normal amount of activity in a day, despite the fact that some days it feels like a pipe dream. Trying to let myself grieve, even though there’s always this part of myself that argues it’s been plenty long enough.
I have always defined myself in terms of “do” and now I find myself forced into the world of “be.”
It’s so hard to practice what you preach. Six years ago if someone had asked me what a person had to do to be worthwhile, I easily could have expounded on the reality that we are all worthwhile simply by being God’s creation. Yet now I’m antsy and dissatisfied in “be” mode. I’ve learned that it takes just as much (or maybe more) to live in “be” rather than “do.”