To steal from Data, “It has been quite a day.” Or more like quite a year so far. My worst fears are that I’ll turn my back on God and that I’ll grow stagnant. So my husband and I pray regularly that God will keep us close and keep us growing, even if it takes being dragged along. God is so faithful to do that. I hunger for His best with every fiber of my being, but sometimes the pain of growing is overwhelming. There has been many a year where I feel like I’m barely surviving. I have to admit that this year is giving other years a run for their money. I haven’t slept more than a couple hours/night in longer than I care to remember. My heart hurts and I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I keep having that line from Sleepless in Seattle running through my mind “I’m going to get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out…” I find myself wondering what I did to get myself into this spot and wanting to do something, anything, to get myself out of it. But I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I feel like I’ve taken up permanent residence in confusion.
And then Isaiah 50:10-11 comes to mind. It’s one of those verses I’ve been hanging onto for a very long time, so it whispers through my soul most times I’m confused. Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment. NIV
I want to do something. But do I want to light my own torch? Do I want to make my own path? Some people, especially people who have the same type of personality as I do, think they know what they’re doing. I know better. I know from bitter experience that anything I do on my own is destructive. I know that nothing good can come from me acting alone. Nothing. So my options are limited: “Trust in the name of the LORD and rely on my God.” Relationships are so hard. People you love can slice you wide open and then leave you bleeding. Abandonment is rampant in our broken world. But God is always still there. Still ready to “bind up the brokenhearted” (Is. 61:1). Still ready to “increase the power of the weak” (Is. 40:29). Still fully capable of changing hearts. Still worth trusting.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psa 27:14 NIV
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Psa 37:5-6 NIV